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Gender Dysphoria- I has it

Gender Dysphoria... holy sh*t. It's real. I mean, I knew it, but I never thought I suffered from it. ... I know, I know- how did I not think I suffered it? Well, it never came up before. It was always an issue of 'I feel like a guy, I will do as I please'.

I always thought of G.D as a thing that made boys (and girls) cry, rip their clothes, freak out at the sight of dresses, and... generally accounts of dysphoria I've heard sound like that.

But tonight, after getting called a girl repeatedly, not correcting anyone, and having a guy try to grab my chest twice through my binder, I came home and had the most horrible stomach ache. Edit: There was a context to his grabbing, a really odd context; I only say "a guy" for the sake of anonymity.

But in a way, I'm really happy. I didn't know what all of my stomach pain was before. I never had a physical sign that I could point to and say "there. This is proof of my G.I.D". Now I have that proof. I never trust my mental signals (my life will do that to a person) but I can't ignore my stomach pains, not when they're this bad. So that's what it's been trying to tell me.

I've got the dysphoria. I've got permission to be myself now. That's what my stomach says.

Dunno if this is a good thing, but I'm sure the eventual anti-anxiety meds that they've been asking me to take will help.

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
harpsi_fizz
Jul. 11th, 2010 02:59 pm (UTC)
This is going to sound really bad, but it was all in context, I swear.
akhlut
Jul. 11th, 2010 02:07 pm (UTC)
Who the fuck did this? That motherfucker sexually assaulted you and should be thrown in jail. Or stabbed. Preferably both.
harpsi_fizz
Jul. 11th, 2010 03:00 pm (UTC)
There was a context to it, I swear, Jason. Really. Which sounds bad, but there was.
(Deleted comment)
harpsi_fizz
Jul. 12th, 2010 10:22 pm (UTC)
I'll see you in two hours, then!
(Deleted comment)
harpsiccord
Jul. 17th, 2010 03:58 am (UTC)
Re: Mongrels!
UK television is some kind of wonderful! I don't see why the others on your F-list wouldn't appreciate it! What're they, some kinda humorless stiffs? Screw that!

And don't you ever scare me so badly as to make me think you're baleeting your LJ again, or I'll have your damn nose. You hear me?
rob_hazelnut
Jul. 18th, 2010 09:52 pm (UTC)
I feel that the stomach ache wold have more likely been from the hormone treatment than gender dysphoria: atrophication of the uterus and liver damage can be side effects, which I imagine would both not feel good. Gender dysphoria itself doesn't affect the abdominal region nor the digestive tract.
harpsiccord
Jul. 19th, 2010 12:05 pm (UTC)
That would be a good guess, but I've been on these since October and have been getting checked out regularly since returning to New York to make sure that everything is in working order. The doctors have been prescribing hormones to transmen of all body types and sizes for years (Callen Lourde is a glbt specific clinic) and know what to watch out for. They start us off on low doses and monitor those. Nothing about my medical history has changed.

With all due respect, gender dysphoria is a mental thing and that's the source of psychosomatic pain, which is what I had.

But I do understand why you said what you said.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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